something something i will always have to fight the desire to have the upper hand and to be the highest ranking individual/looked to for everything because 1. i have been so immeasurably fucked up by being the clueless retard in a group of people all aware they all agreeably and discussively see me as inferior sad victim retard. 2. i will never be, and no one else is either, good enough to be so highly regarded that no one ever thinks they suck ever. the desire is still there but i do a good job working against it.
all done today, its over. very unpleasant. the takeaway im having is that neither party, me or them, have any sympathy (empathy?) left for each other. and thats a bleak ending but i just want an ending at this point. i really did wake up every single day in that pitch black basement sick and wishing i didn't wake up. i wish i dropped my head like i dropped that drawing tablet. concrete on blood. like milk and honey to an ex-gorehound. yuck. i wished so badly it would just happen. i think making someone sleep in a pitch black basement (you two didn't make me, but i will choose to blame you two, because the other option would have probably ended with me climbing out of that goddamn window and getting hospitalized so i could stay anywhere else, god what a lovely view that window was, so much sunlight, my apartment will never compare) i realized last week i never stopped self harming, i have been self harming almost every single day feeding myself scary audio and sampling misery i cannot help and freaking myself the fuck out. this has been my life and it is an addiction and it is recursive proof i am mentally ill. a mentally well person doesn't self torture to become mentally ill, i've realized this before and i will probably forget again. oh god i dont want to lose the motivation to work but i had to call out tomorrow, i hate it, fuck you. you ruin me. you will never know how much you ruined me and that is what my love looks like now. ugly fucking love. i get it
what a sad broken tangent. i completely abandoned a thought in there. i'm losing myself. i'll get back on track. no other choice, forever.
I'm getting far too personal in the things I'm trying to write now. Fuck you for not even considering for a moment in your demands the fucking utter shit I've gone through and what would lead me to cower away from you today. I don't care where you started or where you are now. You are where I last saw you. (But also. Sometimes I wonder if you two are okay, and I hope that you are in therapy and love each other earnestly and that this truly was the right choice) And I hope you either don't care about what life in me you snuffed out, or I hope that it haunts you to your deathbed.
i had a fun little epiphany today about my fear of the unknown. whether its true or not, i do feel very 'imposter syndrome' feelings about my special interests, i don't know much, i forget often, i just get happy and enriched observing and learning/relearning about these things. i imagined it this morning as me admiring a mountain, i could be hiking it, reading about it, talking to people about it, but i kind of just want to admire and burn time near it. some mountains are kind of nauseatingly scary but so so beautiful in their grandeur, i think things like outer space and reality and death are such impossibly massive mountains and it makes me sick to crane my neck to look up at them but. maybe if i can admire them like i admire other mountains i can find peace and enrichment in their presence, instead of stressing about climbing and knowing and learning the impossible mountain or just keeping it out of sight (impossible! its so extremely huge!). its not really at all a perfect comparison, but i like the horrible beautiful awesome sight of a Mountain Named Death. very interstellar movie, you know?
ddrdtrdrdrdr drrree drd rd rrr drrrrrreee.. dde rdr dr drr drrr drrrrprppppp. grrrbbbbbbbbbbbb. deytatatatatata
been fighting tooth and nail and blood and tears to get out of survival mode and have a level of self affordability, at least to the point of being able to afford therapy and a car. i'm almost there, i'm almost moved out and back in my career of choice, and its scary to know things outside of my control could pop up again, but at least the superstitious side of me is arguing that i've already been punched in the face by bad luck for like 10 fucking months straight which means my hard work and patience has to win out now. please.
it is funny that my desire to end it is like. perfectly. pristinely. asymptotic. i could be so miserable and so tired and so done but i could never do it. no. i really really couldn't. couldn't ask for it either. no thats just much worse too.
oh yeah, one last thing. the excitement im feeling for my future is mixing with the dread of knowing i will wake up on my deathbed (and then never wake up again) which is kind of promising because like. thats the dread i constantly felt in happier times. so. gestures wildly. im getting better. im moving on. fuck you. im moving on.
i read the divine farce just briefly before they left me, i had turned a second wind in my mind. i can recall to it, the feeling is fresh in my irregular heartbeat. i had convinced myself strongly they were my cellmates in purgatory and we loved each other, finding joy and anxiety to be meaningful with me. i reassured myself with fiction they also were pursuing. i think often now, if i saw her again, i would want to tell her that i know she gave up on me long before i did. and him, i realize now there is nothing to say to him because no matter what you say, he already knows and he is already giving up, he is already assured he will do nothing but lie there in stagnation. there was nothing i could do. what am i to do?
in ten days, i lose my dream job, in ten days i will not afford myself, in ten days, i endure a familiar hell all over again. i keep walling myself off before i can even consider the idea, torturing myself with trying to imagine the despair of my mothers, who have corralled me from this endpoint, terrified of what was inevitable, the despair of my friends, the friends who i mutually promised to wait with just a little longer, the horror of the first person to find me. it is all so much worse than what i experience now, and i shant do that. unfortunately this means i crave something, anything to strike me dead, and i hope it kills me fast and easy. i will keep going, but you should know i am done.
first day of work went extremely well but something about unplugging my nighttime fairylights made them break so i have to sleep in the pitch dark and wake up in the pitch dark again. mixed signals today. i keep having delusions that my two heated blankets are my ex lovers and i conversate with them, they are deeply apologetic for their mistakes but we still mutually understand this is beyond repair. the closure is the only thing that doesnt feel real and just keeps the wound bleeding.
My brain wishes to work in absolutes, fantasizing that there is a day that I live entirely alone, every free day is spent lightly accompanied by friends but I return home, sleeping in a luxurious living room bed room combination and with a beautiful office and a beautiful studio. I make myself recipes from those that wronged me, I make them far better than they have been made by any other hands, but not out of spite, but out of a composed self love and a permanent sense of positive resolution about those that were in my life. I am alone, I am wealthy and unconcerned, I treat my dearest friends to elaborate cruises and my favorite restaurants. I spend every birthday trying a new tasting menu. I think this life is splendid in theory but the lonliness and fear of commitment sounds like just as much suffering as I feel now. I thought I would eventually not crave a relationship, this is true, its very true, but I still feel so starved. I do not want a relationship because I fear them now. Fuck you all. I have been hurt so badly. Fuck you. I love you all so much. Fuck you. I am crying. I am hurting. I love you. Goodnight.
THERE IS A SILHOUETTE OF A HOUSE ON THE AIR CRAFTED BY PAPERS GUIDING ME. I WILL GUIDE MYSELF TO GREATNESS. MY LOCUS WILL BE PERFECT. NO ONE CAN STOP ME. I WILL NOT DIE. TODAY I REMEMBERED TO BE ALIVE. TOMORROW I WILL LIVE. AND THE DAY AFTER THAT.
im almost on the cusp of good things according to the data but i dont know who wins in the race between suicidal ideation or life getting better for real. its embarrassing now, as time goes on i am closer to good things but i have waited so consciously that i am so so so so sick of it. i am so sick of it all. i am so sick.
got definite proof of my mind fracturing this morning so i can't accuse myself of fakeclaiming anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!
stop fucking hunting for convienence and claw your way to total independence. you have no one to direct you. but you are not directionless. you have every direction as a choice. no more companionship. you have no choices. you have nothing but yourself. and that will be a good thing to you someday.
my birthday is tomorrow. every birthday gesture has felt like "im glad you made it this far" and it makes me so, so tired. but hey. i've done this enough times to know i'm at such a rock bottom that i can only go up again. looking forward to that. i have a job interview after my birthday.
i am so fucking sorry. part of me knows im not at fault and it was all just unfortunate circumstance but there's a terrible little notion in my head grieving how much self-care i robbed from you. i want you to thrive so bad. however it breaks my heart completely to think you will only thrive without me. i love you. you are my heaven. i am so scared of moving on from this. in my dreams everything solves itself and we wake up in cool fall mornings in each other's arms with open windows and quiet admiration of each other. i am so scared. i am so so scared. there is potential of a future without you as my lover. that is devastating. i want to love you endlessly, like how your parents love each other.
if i am paranoid about something and i turn out to be right i am immediately transformed into a horrible omen bringer and every paranoid thought is real and true no matter how irrational. suffsuffsuffusfufuufffffuck.blegh. i'm so sick of having little manic mood swings i'd much rather be calm and constructive. im thankful for outlets for my moods that cause no trouble.
some of the reason that i am uncomfortable about receiving support and comfort is probably because i was on the eternally-giving end for so long for several relationships and i consider that catastrophic for my foundation of self. im so scared of becoming the one who saps all self from someone else. i don't want to take & take & take from someone else but what if i do? what if all the people who mistreated me were just being human? nonsense, i know, but i still second guess myself. i felt my love decay overtime into miserable duty, and i think it would destroy me to think i could cause someone else to experience that towards me. i know however, being reclusive and guarded will have a similar effect. im determined to find balance, for myself, for those deserving, and for the love we nurture.
unfortunately, in other news, i feel as though i'm bottom of the social hierarchy again. i know this isnt true but i still feel such overwhelming shame about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth. i sound so poorly socialized, i sound desperate, i sound egotistical, and not even in some charismatic way, either.
i crashed and it didnt even hurt as bad. in like a "i managed it well" way rather than a "desensitized" way. im back for now
the obsession to define and understand myself returns, and like always i know the answer. deep down i am just nothing. i am plastered with the product of my surroundings and nothing seeps in far enough to feel real besides fear. i want so badly to be something but i and everyone else are vacuums inside our beautiful layered shells.
i wonder if she likes milk in the same way i do. i'll probably never find out. but thats okay.
just had the thought "jesus christ these thoughtbin notes make me look like a creepy incel" i know no one is reading this but i swear i have no romantic/sexual drive when i talk about random women i meet by pure opportunity. this is just a "if i had a nickel for every time a woman has spurred me to write in the thought bin id have two nickels which isn't a lot but its weird its happened twice" situation.
this might be a lie actually the 05.05.22 thoughtbin might be about two people at once and i do have a romantic drive for one of those people. you know who you are (but you probably arent reading this anyway and thats okay)
ugh. god. i want to get rid of this stupid character so badly now but i know its a passing feeling.
productivity is a constant loop of Cannot Do Action and then forcing myself to do the action and finding out its perfectly fine and easy. its like getting into a pool. i used to be so confident to jump into the water but now i wade in
c lick
HELLO LADY. MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
life is sacred as fuck. i embrace what i was so kindly given. life.
i dont remember trying to put up an intimidating front but also i do? i want to be gentle and soft. beautifully masculine.
well, no one really has to know me, i guess.
i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise.
HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT!
daytaytataytatataytatataytatadaytaytaytata
cant wait until autopilot brain stops expecting things from people. but also dreading when i stop treating others with the graciousness they deserve.
taytatataytatataytatataytataytaytata. today i remembered to be alive. tomorrow i will live. and the day after that.