some of the reason that i am uncomfortable about receiving support and comfort is probably because i was on the eternally-giving end for so long for several relationships and i consider that catastrophic for my foundation of self. im so scared of becoming the one who saps all self from someone else. i don't want to take & take & take from someone else but what if i do? what if all the people who mistreated me were just being human? nonsense, i know, but i still second guess myself. i felt my love decay overtime into miserable duty, and i think it would destroy me to think i could cause someone else to experience that towards me. i know however, being reclusive and guarded will have a similar effect. im determined to find balance, for myself, for those deserving, and for the love we nurture.
unfortunately, in other news, i feel as though i'm bottom of the social hierarchy again. i know this isnt true but i still feel such overwhelming shame about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth. i sound so poorly socialized, i sound desperate, i sound egotistical, and not even in some charismatic way, either.
i crashed and it didnt even hurt as bad. in like a "i managed it well" way rather than a "desensitized" way. im back for now
the obsession to define and understand myself returns, and like always i know the answer. deep down i am just nothing. i am plastered with the product of my surroundings and nothing seeps in far enough to feel real besides fear. i want so badly to be something but i and everyone else are vacuums inside our beautiful layered shells.
i wonder if she likes milk in the same way i do. i'll probably never find out. but thats okay.
just had the thought "jesus christ these thoughtbin notes make me look like a creepy incel" i know no one is reading this but i swear i have no romantic/sexual drive when i talk about random women i meet by pure opportunity. this is just a "if i had a nickel for every time a woman has spurred me to write in the thought bin id have two nickels which isn't a lot but its weird its happened twice" situation.
this might be a lie actually the 05.05.22 thoughtbin might be about two people at once and i do have a romantic drive for one of those people. you know who you are (but you probably arent reading this anyway and thats okay)
ugh. god. i want to get rid of this stupid character so badly now but i know its a passing feeling.
productivity is a constant loop of Cannot Do Action and then forcing myself to do the action and finding out its perfectly fine and easy. its like getting into a pool. i used to be so confident to jump into the water but now i wade in
c lick
HELLO LADY. MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
life is sacred as fuck. i embrace what i was so kindly given. life.
i dont remember trying to put up an intimidating front but also i do? i want to be gentle and soft. beautifully masculine.
well, no one really has to know me, i guess.
i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise.
HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT!
daytaytataytatataytatataytatadaytaytaytata
cant wait until autopilot brain stops expecting things from people. but also dreading when i stop treating others with the graciousness they deserve.
taytatataytatataytatataytataytaytata. today i remembered to be alive. tomorrow i will live. and the day after that.