if i am paranoid about something and i turn out to be right i am immediately transformed into a horrible omen bringer and every paranoid thought is real and true no matter how irrational. suffsuffsuffusfufuufffffuck.blegh. i'm so sick of having little manic mood swings i'd much rather be calm and constructive. im thankful for outlets for my moods that cause no trouble.
some of the reason that i am uncomfortable about receiving support and comfort is probably because i was on the eternally-giving end for so long for several relationships and i consider that catastrophic for my foundation of self. im so scared of becoming the one who saps all self from someone else. i don't want to take & take & take from someone else but what if i do? what if all the people who mistreated me were just being human? nonsense, i know, but i still second guess myself. i felt my love decay overtime into miserable duty, and i think it would destroy me to think i could cause someone else to experience that towards me. i know however, being reclusive and guarded will have a similar effect. im determined to find balance, for myself, for those deserving, and for the love we nurture.
unfortunately, in other news, i feel as though i'm bottom of the social hierarchy again. i know this isnt true but i still feel such overwhelming shame about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth. i sound so poorly socialized, i sound desperate, i sound egotistical, and not even in some charismatic way, either.
i crashed and it didnt even hurt as bad. in like a "i managed it well" way rather than a "desensitized" way. im back for now
the obsession to define and understand myself returns, and like always i know the answer. deep down i am just nothing. i am plastered with the product of my surroundings and nothing seeps in far enough to feel real besides fear. i want so badly to be something but i and everyone else are vacuums inside our beautiful layered shells.
i wonder if she likes milk in the same way i do. i'll probably never find out. but thats okay.
just had the thought "jesus christ these thoughtbin notes make me look like a creepy incel" i know no one is reading this but i swear i have no romantic/sexual drive when i talk about random women i meet by pure opportunity. this is just a "if i had a nickel for every time a woman has spurred me to write in the thought bin id have two nickels which isn't a lot but its weird its happened twice" situation.
this might be a lie actually the 05.05.22 thoughtbin might be about two people at once and i do have a romantic drive for one of those people. you know who you are (but you probably arent reading this anyway and thats okay)
ugh. god. i want to get rid of this stupid character so badly now but i know its a passing feeling.
productivity is a constant loop of Cannot Do Action and then forcing myself to do the action and finding out its perfectly fine and easy. its like getting into a pool. i used to be so confident to jump into the water but now i wade in
c lick
HELLO LADY. MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
MAY I BE NICE TO YOU?
life is sacred as fuck. i embrace what i was so kindly given. life.
i dont remember trying to put up an intimidating front but also i do? i want to be gentle and soft. beautifully masculine.
well, no one really has to know me, i guess.
i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise. i do not need praise.
HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT!
daytaytataytatataytatataytatadaytaytaytata
cant wait until autopilot brain stops expecting things from people. but also dreading when i stop treating others with the graciousness they deserve.
taytatataytatataytatataytataytaytata. today i remembered to be alive. tomorrow i will live. and the day after that.